Well friends, brace yourself for another TMI confession: I don’t like to go to the bathroom in public establishments, to the point of stupidity. And even though I have had more than one experience that should have taught me a lesson, I continue to “hold it” with the understanding that I will be home soon, and all will be well.
Allow me to paint you a picture:
Over two weeks ago it was Mom’s Night Out(MNO) for our homeschool co-op. Our co-op has members from all over DFW. I was talking with one of the moms yesterday and she drives 50 minutes to get to our co-op. Granted, she probably is the furthest away, but my point is that we are a spread out group. For this month’s MNO I was lucky, because the restaurant we were meeting at was less than 15 minutes from my house. Yay! Perfect excuse to go for the first time.
I had a fabulous time with the other moms, and I refilled my drink at least twice. The group was winding down (and my bladder was filling up) when I got a text from Adam asking where to buy a Pillow Pet. Uh oh. It was past bedtime and he was asking about Pillow Pets. I smelled a semi-emergency. I shared his message with the ladies, then excused myself to go hunt down a Pillow Pet. I thought it would be kind of weird to say, “I have to leave because there is something up, but first I’m going to go use the restroom.” Nah. Besides, my home and my toilet were only 15 minutes away.
On the way home I called the hubs to get a better explanation of the Pillow Pet Situation. Lloyd (4) had been given a Pillow Pet almost 2 years ago. He loved it for about a year, then decided he didn’t like it anymore. At that point Christian (8) adopted said Pillow Pet. He’d been sleeping with it every night for months. Well on the night in question, Lloyd decided that he wanted it back. Adam told Christian that though giving it back would be the nice thing to do, he didn’t have to do it. It was his decision.
Christian often has a hard time making the “nice” choice. He is quick to see right and wrong. However the difference between good, better, and best often is too hard for him. On this night, he made the nice choice; he let his brother have the Pillow Pet back. Adam was so proud of him, and wanted to reward him for making a hard choice by getting him his own Pillow Pet.
I said I could hit WalMart on the way home (that’s where I had initially purchased them), but Adam wanted to come with me, so home I went to pick him up. I thought I would run in to let Adam know I was there, go to the bathroom, then we would be on our way again.
That’s not how it happened.
Adam was waiting in the driveway when I turned the corner, so he just hopped in when I pulled up. Dang it. My bladder was at maximum capacity. I can hold it til we get to WalMart I thought.
As we were pulling into the parking lot I told Adam, “You look for the Pillow Pet, I have to go to the bathroom.” I made a beeline for the bathroom at the front of the store.
It was closed for cleaning. Of course. OF COURSE!
I immediately turned around and did the pee-pee tango (dance) all the way to the other bathrooms in the back of the store.
They were also closed for cleaning. GAH!! Are you KIDDING me?! In desperation I tried the Family Bathroom.
It was occupied. As an adult I have never wet my pants, but I thought this might be the time.
Here the guy cleaning the ladies room pops his head around the corner and says, “Uh, it’s going to be a while. This bathroom is destroooooooyed. You should probably just go use the one up front.”
At this point I am having trouble thinking as my brain is staring to float, but I manage to say, “The front restrooms are being cleaned too. I’ll just wait for the family bathroom.”
He proceeds to tell me more about how and why the bathroom is so trashed. I’ll spare you guys the details, but just eww. Finally he disappears back into the bathroom and I make a desperate decision: I am going to go use the Men’s Room. Yes, that is how badly I needed to pee.
With my hands balled into fists (for courage? Or to punch out any guys I encountered? I don’t know!), I charged into the Men’s Room to see that there was only one stall, and it was currently occupied. Oh for the love…! I made a rapid u-turn and went back to stand in front of the Family Bathroom.
I wanted to cry, but I was afraid my tears would be yellow, I HAD TO PEE SO BADLY!
Then I heard that magical sound: the toilet flushed.
A young lady, I’m guessing maybe 18 or 20 years old, exited the bathroom like she was being chased. I should have thought that was odd, but I seriously was in dire straits. I rushed past her and into the bathroom. My pants were already at my knees when I saw that the toilet seat had poop on it. Unhealthy poop. That poor girl was having some serious tummy issues because it was watery and everywhere.
My first thought was to look at the little kid’s toilet and see if I could make that work. But for real, it was a foot off the ground and tiny. No. So instead I attacked the toilet seat with toilet paper while dancing from foot to foot with my pants still around my knees. When all visible disgustingness was gone, I hovered above the toilet seat and peed like Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own. It had to have been 2 full minutes. It was ridiculous and such a relief. Whew!
Then I washed my hands for five minutes and made a mental note to Lysol my backside “just in case” when I got home.
I exited and walked at a much more leisurely pace to find Adam. He was in the toy area and there were no Pillow Pets to be found. Boo! He asked about the “interesting” expression on my face and I whispered that I would tell him in the car. As we were walking through housewares checking to see if the Pillow Pets would be with the pillows, I saw the girl who had used the bathroom before me. We made eye contact.
One word, friends: awwwwwkward! It was a toss-up who looked away faster.
The rest of the Quest for a Pillow Pet was much more comfortable for me. It was a comedy of errors. We went to 2 Wal-Marts, called 3 others, stopped by CVS and Walgreens, and still were empty handed. We finally called Target, 30 minutes before they were supposed to close, and were told that they had lots of Pillow Pets. The ironic part is that the MNO restaurant shared a parking lot with Target. If I had stopped there FIRST, our hour and a half long wild goose chase would have been ever-so-much shorter.
A quick side-note here that you can find Pillow Pets even easier on Amazon.
We returned home victorious with a Pillow Pet, though I was (I thought) scarred for life by the bathroom escapade.
Then last night, as I was leaving a Homeschool Support meeting at a local restaurant, I thought “I really need to pee” as I headed to the car.
Perhaps history really is destined to repeat itself.